Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse, where the person being mistreated feels a strong emotional attachment to their abuser. It’s most common in situations involving continuous cycles of abuse, where there are intermittent periods of reward (kindness, affection, promises of change) amidst the abuse and manipulation. This can feel so normalised that we don’t even notice it happening or that we might be able to get the help and support we need to improve or stop what is happening.
It was first introduced by Patrick Carnes, who describes it as “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.” It’s often observed in abusive romantic relationships, but can also occur in platonic relationships, family relationships, or situations with repeated harassment or bullying. It may also be complex and two sided and codependency may be an issue on both sides.
Understanding trauma bonding is crucial because it can help individuals recognise unhealthy patterns in their relationships that can be damaging to both parties. It can explain why someone may find it hard to leave an abusive relationship, often feeling trapped and powerless. This awareness can be the first step towards seeking help and breaking free from the cycle of abuse.
Why do we find these relationships?
People may be drawn to trauma bond relationships due to a complex interplay of psychological, emotional, and sometimes sociocultural factors. Below are some of the reasons why some individuals might find themselves almost magnetically drawn to such relationships:
- Childhood Experiences: People who experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma in their childhood may unknowingly seek out similar dynamics in their adult relationships because it feels familiar. This doesn’t mean they enjoy the abuse, but they may struggle to recognize or be attracted to healthier forms of love and affection.
- Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may find themselves in trauma bond relationships because they may believe they’re undeserving of love, respect, and kindness. An abusive partner may exploit these insecurities, further cementing the bond.
- Intermittent Reinforcement: Trauma bonds often form as a result of a cycle of abuse followed by periods of kindness and affection from the abuser. This intermittent reinforcement can be intensely bonding, as the person being abused clings to the moments of kindness and overlooks the abuse.
- Isolation: Abusers often isolate their victims from friends and family, making it difficult for the victim to recognize the abuse or seek help. The resulting loneliness and isolation can strengthen the trauma bond.
- Fear and Dependence: Over time, victims of abuse may become financially, emotionally, or physically dependent on their abusers. Fear of retaliation or the inability to survive independently can make it difficult to break the trauma bond.
- Sociocultural Factors: Societal and cultural norms, stigma, or pressures can sometimes influence people to stay in abusive relationships. For example, some cultures or societies stigmatize divorce or prioritise family unity over individual well-being.
It’s important to remember that while these factors might explain why some people are drawn to trauma bond relationships, they do not justify or excuse abuse. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship that is respectful, loving, and free from harm. If you or someone you know may be in a trauma bond relationship, please seek professional help.
Trauma Bonding Test
Remember, if you or someone else believe you may be in a trauma bond or abusive relationship, it's important to seek professional help. This questionnaire is a very basic tool and does not substitute for professional advice.If you begin to notice signs of trauma bonding in your relationships, here are a few steps you can take:
- Reach out to a professional: Therapists, counselors, and psychologists are trained to deal with situations like these. They can provide you with the necessary tools and coping mechanisms to deal with trauma bonding.
- Talk to someone you trust: It’s important to not isolate yourself. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can provide emotional support and help you take practical steps to protect yourself.
- Educate yourself: Learn more about trauma bonding, abusive relationships, and emotional manipulation. Understanding the dynamics of these relationships can help you understand what’s happening and why it’s not your fault.
- Create a safety plan: If you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s important to have a plan to protect yourself. This could involve finding a safe place to stay, securing financial resources, and knowing who to call in an emergency.
- Practice self-care: Dealing with trauma bonding can be emotionally draining. Prioritise your own well-being. This can involve regular exercise, a healthy diet, sufficient rest, and engaging in activities that you enjoy and that can help relieve stress.
Remember, it’s important to seek professional help if you believe you’re in a trauma bond. It’s not easy to break free from these kinds of relationships, but with the right help and support, it’s absolutely possible.
Moving on from a trauma bond relationship
This can be a complex and challenging process, but with the right help, patience, and self-compassion, it’s entirely possible to heal and build healthier relationships.
Steps you can take:
Seek professional help: A therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abusive relationships can provide invaluable support and guidance during this process. They can help you understand the dynamics of trauma bonding and give you tools to break the cycle.
Establish boundaries: Learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial. This could mean cutting off contact with the abuser or limiting it as much as possible if complete separation isn’t feasible.
Practice self-care: Prioritise your well-being. This can involve regular exercise, a healthy diet, sufficient rest, and engaging in activities that you enjoy and that can help relieve stress.
Educate yourself: Learn more about trauma bonds and abusive relationships. Knowledge can empower you and help you recognise unhealthy patterns in future relationships.
Build a support network: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or support groups. They can provide emotional support, help you feel less isolated, and remind you that you’re not alone.
Self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and it’s normal to have ups and downs. Don’t blame yourself for the abuse or for finding it difficult to leave. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may seem.
Focus on personal growth: Use this time to discover or rediscover what you love to do. Pursue hobbies, interests, or educational opportunities that help you grow as a person.
Reframe your narrative: Over time, work on shifting your internal narrative from being a victim to being a survivor. You are resilient, and you have the strength to overcome this challenging time in your life.
Here are several UK-based resources for those who may be experiencing trauma bonding, domestic abuse, or other forms of harmful relationships:
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline: Run by Refuge, this is a free, 24-hour helpline. The number is 0808 2000 247. Visit their website at Refuge.
- Women’s Aid: This organization provides a wealth of resources for women experiencing domestic abuse, including an online chat service. Visit their website at Women’s Aid.
- Mankind UK: This is a confidential helpline for all men across the UK affected by domestic violence or domestic abuse. The number is 01823 334244. Visit their website at Mankind UK.
- Galop: This is a national LGBT+ domestic abuse helpline. The number is 0800 999 5428. Visit their website at Galop.
- Samaritans: If you’re feeling distressed and need someone to talk to, you can call Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123. Visit their website at Samaritans.
- Respect: They operate a helpline for anyone worried about their own behaviour towards their partner. The number is 0808 802 4040. Visit their website at Respect.
- NHS: The NHS website has a page dedicated to advice and support for those experiencing domestic abuse. Visit their website at NHS – Domestic abuse.
Remember, if you’re in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the police. If you’re unable to talk, you can use the Silent Solution system: call 999 and then press 55 when prompted.
These organisations can provide you with the help and support you need to navigate your situation. It’s important to reach out and speak to someone who can help if you believe you’re in a trauma bond or abusive relationship.
