How to talk so kids will listen by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

This is a book that can help parents understand their own upbringing and improve their connection with their children. The book focuses on communication skills and offers practical advice on how to talk to children in a way that they will listen and understand.

Simple but effective changes

The authors suggest using tools such as acknowledging feelings, offering choices, and describing the problem instead of blaming or criticising. They also advise parents to avoid using punishments and instead focus on solutions and natural consequences. By implementing these techniques, parents can create a more positive and respectful relationship with their children, leading to better communication and cooperation. The book encourages parents to empathise with their children, listen actively, and be open to their ideas and opinions.

Ten great ways to connect

  1. Show understanding and respect for your child’s feelings.

    Some parents may have grown up in households where emotions were not openly discussed or validated, leading them to struggle with recognising and validating their child’s feelings. Practicing empathy and actively listening to their child’s perspective can help parents become more comfortable with acknowledging and respecting their child’s feelings.
  1. Use words to describe the problem, rather than placing blame or criticising.

    Some parents may default to blaming or criticising their child when they misbehave, rather than describing the issue in a neutral way. Practicing using “I” statements and describing the problem without blaming can help parents break this habit and avoid damaging their relationship with their child.
  1. Offer choices and involve your child in decision-making.

    Some parents may feel that they need to be in complete control of their child’s decisions and actions, leading them to make all the choices for their child. Giving children age-appropriate choices can help them feel empowered and valued, while also helping parents avoid power struggles and foster their child’s independence.
  1. Use humor and playfulness to diffuse tense situations.

    Some parents may feel that humor and playfulness are not appropriate or effective in dealing with their child’s misbehavior. Incorporating playfulness and humor into interactions with their child can help parents create a more positive and enjoyable environment, while also helping to reduce tension and stress.
  1. Show interest in your child’s activities and hobbies.

    Some parents may prioritise their own interests or feel that their child’s hobbies are not important. Taking an interest in your child’s activities can help you connect with them on a deeper level, while also helping them feel valued and supported in pursuing their interests.
  1. Use encouragement and praise to reinforce positive behavior.

    Some parents may focus on pointing out negative behavior, rather than actively encouraging and praising positive behavior. Giving specific, sincere praise and encouragement can help reinforce positive behavior and create a more positive environment for both the parent and child.
  1. Give your child your undivided attention when they are speaking to you.

    Some parents may feel that they need to multitask or are too busy to give their full attention to their child. Setting aside dedicated time to listen to your child and being fully present in the moment can help create a stronger connection and improve communication between parent and child.
  1. Avoid using punishments or threats to control behavior.

    Some parents may feel that punishments and threats are necessary to control their child’s behavior. Focusing on natural consequences and solutions, rather than punishments, can help parents maintain a positive relationship with their child while also teaching them valuable lessons.
  1. Use active listening to show that you understand and care about your child’s perspective. 

    Some parents may struggle with actively listening to their child and understanding their perspective. Practicing active listening skills, such as summarising and reflecting back what the child said, can help parents show that they value and care about their child’s thoughts and feelings.
  1. Give your child opportunities to take responsibility and learn from their mistakes. 

    Some parents may feel that they need to protect their child from making mistakes or taking responsibility. Allowing children to make mistakes and take responsibility for their actions can help them learn important life skills and build confidence in their own abilities.

Breaking My Addictions Summary

To overcome resistance to these communication strategies, parents can start by recognising that their natural communication style may not be effective or may even be harmful to their relationship with their child. They can then actively work on practicing these new communication techniques, seeking support from books, parenting groups, or counseling if needed. Consistency and patience are key in building a stronger, more positive relationship with their child through effective communication.

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