Shame is a powerful emotion. Rooted deeply in our formative years, it’s often an unwelcome guest in our emotional house. Stemming from incidents where we may have felt humiliated, embarrassed, or ‘less than’, childhood shame can seep into our adult lives, influencing our behaviour, self-esteem, and relationships. However, it’s essential to know that we can rewrite this narrative.
Understanding Shame
Shame is a universal human emotion, an intense feeling of unworthiness or inadequacy. It often arises from early experiences where we felt judged, ridiculed, or rejected. Shame has a way of convincing us that we are fundamentally flawed or unlovable. Unlike guilt, which is a feeling about something we’ve done, shame is a feeling about who we are.
Here’s a 12-question quiz that can help you identify if you are dealing with shame:
- Do you often find yourself replaying past mistakes or embarrassments in your head?
- Do you feel like you need to hide certain parts of yourself or your past from others?
- Do you often feel like you’re not ‘enough’ (smart enough, successful enough, attractive enough, etc)?
- Do you tend to isolate yourself when you’re feeling down or have made a mistake?
- Do you find it hard to accept compliments or believe positive feedback from others?
- Do you feel a constant need for perfection or fear making mistakes?
- Do you feel unlovable or fundamentally flawed?
- Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself for past mistakes or behaviours?
- Do you tend to feel inferior to others, or compare yourself negatively to them?
- Do you struggle with self-esteem and self-worth?
- Do you find it challenging to set boundaries and say ‘no’ to people?
- Do you often feel like you’re a disappointment or a burden to others?
Remember, this quiz is not a diagnostic tool but a starting point for self-reflection. If you answered ‘yes’ to many of these questions, it might be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional. They can provide strategies and resources to help you navigate these feelings and move towards self-acceptance and empowerment.
A Healthier Alternative: Learning and Empowerment
The key to transforming shame lies in our capacity to separate our inherent worth from our actions. We can make mistakes, learn from them, and grow, without viewing these instances as a reflection of our worth. This involves acknowledging our past, understanding the root of our shame, and taking conscious steps towards healing and self-love.
The Role of Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance, a concept from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), involves accepting reality as it is, without trying to change, deny, or resist it. It doesn’t mean agreement, but rather the recognition of what is true. By accepting our past, and the shame we’ve carried, we can begin to disentangle our self-worth from past experiences and start healing.
Addressing Unforgiving Attitudes
The path to healing isn’t always smooth, especially when it involves others who might not understand or forgive us. While it’s natural to seek validation and forgiveness from others, it’s crucial to remember that our healing journey is primarily about us. Our growth and transformation do not hinge on others’ acceptance.
The Ho’oponopono Prayer: A Tool for Healing
Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian prayer centred around forgiveness and reconciliation. Consisting of the phrases “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”, this prayer can be a powerful tool in our journey from shame to self-love. The process encourages self-reflection, responsibility, and the desire to make amends, promoting a sense of peace and closure.
Dealing Safely with Painful Feelings
When dealing with uncomfortable emotions like shame, it’s essential to have healthy coping strategies in place. This can include mindfulness exercises, journaling, therapy, or sharing with trusted individuals. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and seeking professional support is a strength, not a weakness.
Breaking My Addictions Summary
moving from childhood shame to adult empowerment is not a linear journey, and it’s okay to have ups and downs along the way. What’s important is the commitment to self-compassion, acceptance, and healing. Because at the end of the day, we are not defined by our past but by who we choose to become.
